


10 Easy Steps

by peachpety



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Draco (sort of) Kills a Spider, Fluff, Friends to First Date, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24964420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachpety/pseuds/peachpety
Summary: How to Kill a Spider and Capture a Beau in 10 Easy Steps, by Draco Malfoy
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 67
Kudos: 335





	10 Easy Steps

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration strikes in many ways, be it art or lyrics or a short, funny conversation on a discord channel. This fic was inspired by the latter, a cute conversation between veelawings, xanthippe74, tasteofshapes, and lalionnebelle about killing a spider. Thanks lovelies for the spark, I dedicate this to you! Big thanks and big love to static_abyss for the beta. Enjoy! xo peach

**11:13 AM**

**911 POTTER. 911.**

**11:15 AM** ****

**911.**

**POTTER.**

**11:16 AM**

**POTTER.**

**11:17 AM**

**POTTER.**

_11:18 AM_

_im in a meeting malfoy what_

**11:18 AM**

**Did you not see my 911?!**

**IT TOOK YOU 5 FUCKING MINUTES TO RESPOND.**

**WHAT IF I WAS BLEEDING OUT?!**

_11:19 AM_

_are you bleeding out_

**11:19 AM**

**No.**

****. . . 💬** **

_11:19 AM_

_did you burn your toaster again_

**11:21 AM**

**No and you interrupted me.**

**I know you saw the ellipses.**

_11:21 AM_

_malfoy_

**11: 21 AM**

**The proper texting etiquette is to wait for the party with whom you are conversing to finish before you respond.**

**Hence the ellipses.**

**And use punctuation, you barbarian.**

_11:22 AM_

_MALFOY!!!_

_the emergency???_

_????_

**11:22 AM**

**THERE IS A SPIDER. IN THE BATHROOM.**

_11:22 AM_

_i’m in a meeting with the minister for magic malfoy_

_the minister_

_for bloody magic_

**11:22 AM**

**This is an emergency… !**

_11:23 AM_

_a spider is not an emergency… !_

**11:23 AM**

**This is a big fucking spiderhfkdjrirb**

**Fuck.**

**It jumped.**

**Potter, it jumpED?!!??? I cannot find where**

**11:26 AM**

**Fucking hell it has an EGG I’M SOON TO BE OVERRUN WITH A MILLION BABY SPIDERS.**

_11:26 AM_

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

**11:26 AM**

**HAHA, VERY DROLE.**

_11:27 AM_

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

**11:27 AM**

**When I die an excruciating death by venom poisoning from a million spider bites I will haunt you for eternity.**

_11:28 AM_

_just kill the spider_

**11:28 AM**

**I think, ideally, that you are far more qualified to dispose of this monstrosity.**

**You did brilliantly vanquish the darkest wizard of all time.**

**And bring lunch when you come.**

**I’m craving orange chicken from that place.**

**Don’t forget the dim sum this time.**

_11:30 AM_

_i cannot come over_

_i’m presenting in meetings all day_

_and if anything, i’m overqualified to kill a measly spider_

_11:31 AM_

_but more importantly_

_you think i’m brilliant_

**11:32 AM**

**For fucks sake, Potter, come kill this spider!**

_11:34 AM_

_i’m no spider killer malfoy_

_i’ve the utmost respect for arachnids_

_RIP aragog_

**11:34 AM**

**You are worthless.**

_11:34 AM_

_here’s a thought_

_why don’t YOU kill it_

**11:35 AM**

**Absolutely not. I will not go near that thing.**

_11:35 AM_

_then i guess you will be overrun by baby spiders_

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

**11:35AM**

**I despise you.**

_11:36 AM_

🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷

**11:37 AM**

**There’s nothing for it.**

**I’m going to have to move to a new flat.**

_11:38 AM_

_we just moved you into that flat!_

**11:38 AM**

**BABY SPIDERS POTTER**

_11:38 AM_

_ok ok maybe you can squash the egg with reducto_

**11:40 AM**

**It’s up in the corner by the ceiling! The ceiling will come down on my head!**

**I retract my earlier statement regarding your intelligence.**

_11:40 AM_

_smack it with your ridiculously expensive shoe_

**11:41 AM**

**I’m… hesitant. It’s above my bathroom counter.**

_11:41 AM_

_and ??_

**11:41 AM**

**And what if it falls in my hair.**

**Or worse.**

**In my natural beauty products.**

**11:42 AM**

**Hold on…**

**11:48 AM**

**I threw my hairbrush at it.**

_11:48 AM_

_fantastic_

_see, how hard was that?_

**11:49 AM**

**I did not kill the spider.**

**And now there’s a chunk of wall missing.**

**You’ll fix it, of course.**

_11:50 AM_

_wha? me?_

**11:51 AM**

**I have another idea…**

_11:52 AM_

_wait_

_malfoy_

_11:58 AM_

_MALFOY_

**12:21 PM**

**So, update.**

**. . . 💬**

_12:21 PM_

_thank fuck, what happened_

**12:22 PM**

**Ellipses, Potter!**

**First, I had to drag a kitchen chair upstairs to get closer to the devil’s spawn and its disgusting egg.**

_12:22 PM_

_did you kill it?_

**12:23 PM**

**Note to self. Get a taller fucking step stool.**

_12:23 PM_

_but did you kill it?_

**12:23 PM**

**I drenched it with Aguamenti.**

_12:24 PM_

_brilliant_

**12:24 PM**

**It is still not dead.**

**12:25 PM**

**It’s cleaning its face with its hairy legs.**

**I’ve given it a bath, Potter.**

**And now there’s water everywhere.**

**My “ridiculously expensive” shoes are ruined.**

_12:30 PM_

_the minister says you can use incendio to burn up the egg_

**12:30 PM**

**You**

**You’re discussing this with the MINISTER?!**

_12:31 PM_

_yeah she says you’ll need to use a plate or something to catch it_

_and any babies or webbing that might fall_

**12:32 PM**

**A plate.**

_12:32 PM_

_yeah_

_to catch it_

_just flame that fucker and catch it in the plate_

_she says it’ll be easy_

**12:33 PM**

**Oh well yes, of course she would say so, but HERMIONE’S NOT THE ONE CATCHING A MILLION FLAMING BABY SPIDERS ABOVE HER HEAD ON A PLATE NOW IS SHE.**

_12:34 PM_

_how about_

_if you kill this spider_

_i’ll take you out to dinner tonight_

**12:38 PM**

**Harry.**

**Are you asking me out on a date?**

_12:38 PM_

_im nOT_

**12:39 PM**

**I think you are.**

_12:41 PM_

_it’s no iit’s just us_

_togethercelebrating your victory_

_with food or whatevr_

**12:41 PM**

**Like a date.**

_12:44 PM_

_yes ok fine_

_a date_

**. . . 💬**

_12:48 PM_

**. . . 💬**

_12:50PM_

_i mean_

_12:51 PM_

_it could be dinner as usual_

_as friends_

_it doesn’t you know, it’s not like a date date_

_or whatever_

_12:55 PM_

_malfoy??_

**12:56 PM**

**I retrieved a plate as suggested.**

_12:57 PM_

_so it worked, you’ve killed it?_

**12:57 PM**

**Well.**

**I had to transfigure the plate into a square to fit properly into the corner.**

**It took me several tries to get the angle just right so that there were zero (0) gaps because these walls are not level.**

**Abysmal construction, honestly.**

**I’m going to couch a sternly worded letter.**

_1:00 PM_

_malfoy the spider_

**1:00 PM**

**Oh, it’s still there, clean and fresh.**

**Staring at me with all those eyes.**

**Like… it knows.**

**1:02 PM**

**Fuck it.**

**I’m killing it.**

_1:03 PM_

_congratulations i’m now 100 years old_

_text me when you’re done_

_1:14 PM_

_are you done yet?_

**1:14 PM**

**NO.**

_1:15 PM_

_WHY NOT_

_we are all waiting on edge!_

**1:16 PM**

**I AM GIVING MYSELF A PEP TALK.**

**And who is “we all”?**

_1:16 PM_

_my admin and hermione, of course_

_hermione’s deputy_

_the mail room interns_

_1:17 PM_

_oh and blaise, luna, and pansy on zoom_

_but ron just left the chat_

_buggered off at the mention of spiders_

**1:17 PM**

**Bloody hell, Potter, why didn’t you sell tickets?!**

_1:19 PM_

_pans says stop being such a girls blouse and KILL THE FUCKING SPIDER_

**1:20 PM**

**I'M DOING IT NOW FUCK**

_1:43 PM_

_malfoy, are you done yet?_

_it’s been 20 mins_

_1:51 PM_

_draco_

_this isn’t funny_

_i’m worried_

_2:06 PM_

_DRACO_

_IM COMING OVER_

**2:07 PM**

**No it’s fuk iM IM oK**

_2:07 PM_

_wtf are you alright!? is the spider dead?_

**2:09 PM**

**Yes. And yes.**

_2:09 PM_

_tell me_

**2:10 PM**

**I was up on the chair with my plate and the egg burst open.**

**A million tiny spiders spewed out.**

_2:10 PM_

_that’s unfortunate_

**2:11 PM**

**Yes, it was quite horrific.**

**So many legs, Harry. So many.**

_2:11 PM_

_sooooo you killed them all?_

**2:11 PM**

**Well, not exactly.**

**I dropped the plate and it knocked over my natural beauty products.**

**My eye cream and face mask were lost in the toilet.**

_2:13 PM_

_aw the new ones?_

**2:14 PM**

**YES.**

**And I fell off the chair and knocked my elbow on the basin.**

**And spiders were everywhere.**

**So I torched the motherfuckers.**

_2:16 PM_

_YAS_

🔥 🔥 🔥

**2:17 PM**

**My Incendio may have been a bit too vigorous, fueled by my rage, because the WALL CAUGHT ON FIRE.**

_2:17 PM_

_WHA_

**2:18 PM**

**The fire is out now.**

**My eyebrows are only a little singed.**

_2:18 PM_

_i’m_

_idk what to say_

**2:20 PM**

**Pansy just informed me you laughed so hard you spit your tea.**

_2:20 PM_

_snitch_

_pansy laughed too!_

_but i’m glad you’re ok_

**2:23 PM**

**I am traumatized, Potter, no thanks to you.**

**There is a big scorch mark on the wall.**

**You’ll fix that, too.**

_2:23 PM_

_let me send some owls_

_rearrange some meetings_

_then i’ll pop over_

**2:24 PM**

**There is no need. I am perfectly fine.**

**My neighbor heard my cries for help and came to my rescue.**

_2:24 PM_

_*cries for help* = banshee screams_

_i’ll pick up some cat treats on my way to thank mrs tuttlebottom for her trouble_

**2:27 PM**

**Not Mrs. Tuttlebottom.**

**Baz helped me.**

_2:27 PM_

_baz is the short bloke with the lisp?_

**2:30 PM**

**No, that’s Wallace. Baz is the tall, handsome veterinarian with the precious Borzoi pup.**

_2:30 PM_

_oh right the prat who doesnt seem to own any shirts_

**2:31 PM**

**My strong-armed hero!**

_2:31 PM_

_why is he always shirtless_

_no one wants to see all that tan skin and muscle_

_2:33 PM_

_hermione and blaise want to see it apparently_

_wait_

_you think he’s handsome?_

**2:34 PM**

**He swooped in, extinguished the fire, and vanished all the spiders.**

**Brilliant, yes?**

_2:36 PM_

_yea actually_

_i thought my shoe smash was brilliant too tbh_

**2:41 PM**

**Then he carried me out of the room to safety!**

_2:43 PM_

_he_

_carried you?_

**2:43 PM**

**Like a bride.**

_2:43 PM_

_he was wearing a shirt right?_

**2:47 PM**

**I was so distraught I could barely stand upright!**

**He poured me a glass of wine to settle my nerves.**

_2:47 PM_

_so he’s there with you right now_

_drinking wine_

**2:53 PM**

**He’s tending my wounds.**

_2:53 PM_

_WOUNDSs wha t woundS_

_you said you only singed your eyebrows!_

_and i mean_

_he’s hardly qualified_

_hes a pet doctor for ducks sake_

_*fucke_

_*FUCKS_

**2:58 PM**

**My emotional wounds.**

_3:01 PM_

_he’s tending you emotionally_

**. . . 💬**

_like a pat on the back kind of tending or?_

**3:16 PM**

**He’s invited me to dinner.**

_3:20 PM_

_oh_

_thats you should go yeah_

**3:20 PM**

**You think I should go?**

_3:22 PM_

_if you want_

_we can eat or whatever another day_

**3:22 PM**

**Harry.**

_3:22 PM_

_I mean hes your saviour and shirtless and whatever_

_and i forgot i was meetin gup with luna?_

_so yeah_

**3:23 PM**

**That’s regrettable as I’ve told him I’m flattered but I cannot accept.**

_3:24 PM_

_oh?_

**3:24 PM**

**I thought I already had a “date date” for the evening with an oblivious but gorgeous CLOWN who can’t be arsed to help me in an emergency.**

**But I’m more than happy to tell him I’m free...**

_3:25 PM_

_NO I’m_

_I’m coming through the floo RN_

_to tend to you emotionally_

**3:26 PM**

**Shirt entirely optional, Potter.**

**And answer my fucking 911 next time, you berk.**

**Author's Note:**

> Find me indulgently lurking on [tumblr](http://peachpety.tumblr.com/).


End file.
